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Epic Turkey Fails and Why Ice Cream Exists!
Ah, Thanksgiving. The beginning of the winter hunker-down, the first of the lazy days spent inside watching a likely unpleasant outside through the window. Frozen rain lashes against the glass, sisters, brothers, uncles, aunts, cousins and – if you are lucky – grandmothers and gramps all reconnect, checking in on the progress of life. What’s not to like?
You’ve spent the previous few days, possibly weeks, planning, ordering, shopping. An amazing meal planned of turkey, trimmings and Thanksgiving dessert, a leisurely afternoon of delicious food, board games, football and, if you are ambitious, a turkey trot, with no one hollering at you to socially distance and wear a mask (yes, thank you vaccines…this is the way it used to be, remember?) However, sometimes fate plays a hard hand – the turkey fail. Memorable, but hard. The following are our top picks for epic turkey fails.
Mike was carving Turkey on a crowded counter and didn’t make room. The carving board went out beyond the edge of the counter. With his recently sharpened knife, he made a slice and the Turkey, platter, juices and all went flying. He sliced his hand pretty brutally. All the family remembers is me saying “Mike, stop bleeding on the Turkey!” In my defense, he WAS gushing pretty gorily, like bad special effects, and all I could see was a blood covered dinner. He ended up with a handful of stitches…
One year I was invited to the house of a friend, who was a big old Martha Stewart lover. For the turkey, said friend did something where the turkey was made boneless and then the other Thanksgiving elements were rolled into it and roasted that way. The result: you were served a spiral slice of turkey ‘n’ stuff. It was lovely to be with friends and I was grateful for the effort, but it was not how I want my turkey EVER again.
My mother (known for her great love of food prepared by others) decided to deviate from the norm and host a large festive gathering with all the trimmings. She ordered a massive, completely dressed, ready-to-roast turkey, came home, and popped it gleefully in the oven. After three plus hours, just as I, her first guest, (who had turned-up early to help) entered the kitchen wondering where was the missing aroma of tantalizing turkey, she realized that she had forgotten to turn on the oven!!
I made baklava for our Thanksgiving one year, a HUGE pan with 2 pounds each butter and walnuts. While out running errands, Baka the dog got up on the dining room table and ate every bite. The pan was so clean, it could have gone back in the cupboard. We had Milanos for Thanksgiving dessert.
Turkey story: Surprise Ending
One year when my parents lived on a gentleman’s farm, they hosted a dinner featuring a turkey the guests could not stop raving about. It was so richly flavorful, falling off the bone tender – the best turkey ever tasted! How did you prepare it, the guests wanted to know. My dad interrupted my mom when she described plucking the feathers to start with. “Hold on! The bird I bought was already de-feathered, “ he said, confused. My mom clarified: “It was on the left side of the freezer, all wrapped up in foil.” My dad now looked startled, “No, that was where I put the bird I shot and left hanging outside for the last 2 months!” You could hear the forks drop.
This Thanksgiving, as you convene with family and friends, some advice from Sisters of Anarchy Ice Cream:
1) Don’t forget to turn on the oven.
2) Avoid overly complicated “turkey rolls” and fancy recipes.
3) Make sure you have sufficient counter space for carving.
4) Avoid strung-up “road kill”; overly gamey (rotten?) is not for everyone.
As promised, we’ll tell you what these stories have to do with gourmet, small-batch ice cream. If you want to ensure a successful Thanksgiving meal, make sure that you order some mail order, farm-to-cone ice cream from Sisters of Anarchy Ice Cream. Because, at the very least, you’ll have a tasty Thanksgiving dessert.